Waxing Cynical

Fucking god botherers.

2008-10-30T23:26:00.002+10:30

Ok, so its been a while since I updated this thing, but now I am sufficiently fucked off to resurrect the old girl from the dead.

Here's the thing. I voted for the Labor party in the last state and federal elections, despite the fact that in general, the policies of the right side of politics will probably make me personally better off. Why did I do this.... well a large part is that I hate nothing worse than conservative Christians who believe in imaginary telling me how to live my fucking life. Thats why you vote for the "progressive" side of politics.

Well fuck me if that hasn't worked out very well.

First off, at a state level, we have the cock smoking Michael Atkinson, who by some fucking miracle loophole in democracy manages to have the single say over whether we allow R18+ games in Australia. Every other Attorney General thinks its a good idea. Every average age 30 gamer thinks its a good idea. So why the fuck are you holding out on even discussing the idea Atkinson?

This isn't the worst of it.

Before the last election the ALP promised us all super fast broadband. Yippee!

Well, a year on, no sign of fast broadband. Worse, they're about to slow our internet down by enforcing some draconian compulsory filtering. Who the fuck is honestly stupid enough to think that this will in any way stop kiddie porn?

What I hate the most about this is the attidute - if you are against filtering, then you are a kiddie fiddler. That is the sort of bullshit I expect to hear from Alan Jones, not ministers on the progressive side of politics.

Asshats.

Climate Change Skeptics

2007-05-03T21:50:00.000+09:30

I'm going to be the first to say that there is nothing wrong with being skeptical - but if you're going to be skeptical I think its important that you have some idea what the fuck you are talking about.

I keep hearing so called climate change skeptics using the following argument:-

"We got all worked up about Y2k, and that turned out to be nothing"

Fuck me dead - The reason it turned out to be nothing is because we got all worked up! If everyone hadn't got there knickers in a knot and spent bajillions of dollars testing and fixing all of those systems then things would have gone wrong. Most people working in technical jobs back in 2000 will tell you (me included) that had we ignored the problem, then bad shit would have happened. Sure maybe nothing bad enough to warrant a fallout shelter, but bad nonetheless.

Tim Flannery has probably got a point, you know.

Pilates

2007-04-26T15:03:00.000+09:30

An exercise craze that seems to be sweeping the hippy set - Pilates.

What I would like to see is an exercise class called Pontius Pilates where you achieve core body strength by nailing people you don't like to crucifixes.

Would this man lie?

2007-04-02T21:43:00.000+09:30

Here are three things synonymous crocks of shit.

1. Polygraph lie detector tests
2. Pauline Hanson's One Nation Party
3. Today Tonight.

So when you put them all together - what do you get.... A super mega industrial sized crock of shit.

How desperate are you to clear your name if you volunteer to sit a lie detector test on Today Tonight? But I guess the charge was fucking Pauline Hanson.

Not surprisingly - he failed it - because lets face it - someone not fucking Pauline Hanson is hardly newsworthy.

Welcome to Hicksville

2007-02-18T19:50:00.000+10:30

A small claim to fame I have in life is that I attended the same high school as David Hicks. He wasn't in my year and I don't confess to remembering him from the heady days that were Salisbury High in the late 80's - but then I did say it was a small claim. Remarkably, I couldn't find him on this list of esteemed alumni

Whether you call him a wannabe terrorist or just some wayward kid, I find it interesting that our government has been ignoring him for 5 years, and now, 6 months out from the election - wouldn't you fucking know it - the rodent is going to try and get him home. Nothing to do with the election looking tenuous and the weight of public opinion being against letting our citizens rot for years without charge.

Surely the Australian public is too clever to fall for this so called change of heart.

Just call me Oracle.

2006-04-20T16:19:00.000+09:30

Well what do you know, yesterday I predicted Mike Rann would be down at the Ikea opening in Adelaide today spouting his "Gets Results" bullshit.

Today - that prediction came true - read it and weep.

I should become a fortune teller or something.

Corporate Takeover

2006-04-19T21:07:00.000+09:30

You'd have to be living under a rock (or at least, not living in Adelaide) at the moment to not know that Ikea opens here tomorrow. Talk about a marketing blitzkrieg, there are adverts on busses, billboards, the telly, radio and there are copies of the 300 odd page catalogue on every coffee table and dunny floor throughout this fair city.

People are excited about it here too. I think though, it probably has less to do with excitement about low cost, Swedish inspired, flat pack furniture and more to do with the feeling of jubilation that Adelaide is finally important enough on a world scale to get an Ikea.

I bet "Media Mike" Rann will be at the opening claiming victory for South Australians or some such bullshit.

It seems though, Ikea is not the only world wide organization of evil setting up shop here in the city of churches. I was strolling down Rundle Mall today when I was stopped in my tracks by this....

Here's something analogous to my reaction (you're going to need the sound on to get this)

I don't want to sound like an anti-globalization-hippy, but I urge citizens of Adelaide to avoid this shitful excuse for coffee. We have access to excellent coffee here. There are several great coffee houses, and in terms of chain outlets - Illy, The Bean Bar, and Cibo all serve coffee as good as you can get in Italy, or anywhere for that matter.

Ahh, who am I kidding? People are going to flock to this joint like seagulls onto a discarded pile of hot chips. Oh well, if you are stupid enough to buy the starbucks hype you deserve shit coffee.

Waxing Skeptical

2006-04-03T21:45:00.000+09:30

Of all of the quackery and psuedoscience that naturopaths peddle, the one bit of NAHP that I can't believe people fall for is ear candling.

Apparently the idea is that the poppycock practitioner sticks a rolled up bit of wax paper in your ear, and then sets one end alight, and this flame somehow magically creates a vacuum strong enough to literally suck the wax out of your ear.

To me, this seems an obvious scam. Lets think for a moment how a candle works. You light the wick, which in turns melts the wax at the top of the candle, which turns to vapour and keeps the flame going. Total distance between flame and fuel - less than a centimeter.

So if ear candling is going to work, firstly the flame has got to be hot enough to melt your ear wax to liquid and make it then vapourize. While this is improbable, lets assume for a minute that it is true. A quick google search shows the temperature at which your average dipping wax will melt at is 65 deg C. Another quick google search shows that water at 65 deg C will produce a full thickness scald on skin in less than a second. Based on this, I reckon that having an earful of molten wax is going to sting a bit, if this were the case.

I'm told however that it doesn't hurt. So the candle must some how "suck" the wax out of your ear. How I wonder, a flame that small is not going to generate enough updraft to lift a loose hair, let alone remove wax stuck inside your ear.

"Ahh" the believers say - "How do you explain the wax that's left inside the paper at the end?" That's easy, its the wax from the wax paper. Don't take my word for it however, check out this guy. He's done the experiments and has photos. He got as much wax out of his hand as his ears.....

An open letter to the guy who invented the S-Video Plug

2006-02-28T22:11:00.000+10:30

Dear Mr I think I'm so fucking smart because I invented the S-Video plug,

You sir, are a schnoob.

Did it not occur to you, when you were designing a video plug, that appliances generally have thier video input/outputs on the back? That the back of the average home entertainment centre is crowded with other cables and against a wall? If it did, why the fuck did you make a plug that has to be aligned to within a nanometer otherwise it won't insert.

Not only will it not insert if you don't get it right, but those little pins bend on a failed insertion attempt, forcing one to get a pair of needle nose pliers to straigthen them up before having another shot.

And then, if you are going to make a plug thats so god damn hard to insert, why not at least make a plug that stays in, not falls out at the slightest vibration?

Why damn you? Why?!

There really is only one solution. You must hate audiophiles, and this must be your way at getting back at them.

Fuck you very much

Me.

Danna Vale..... Dopey?

2006-02-15T19:54:00.000+10:30

Most people with even a passing interest in politics this week have had a bit of a chuckle this week at Liberal MP Danna Vale's fairly misguided comments about Australia's abortion rate potentially being the cause of the place being over run by Muslims.

Most of her collegues, especially in the opposition, have been quick to distance themselves, or call into question her intelligence. One Labour MP even went so far to say that she was "Dopey".

Dopey? I'm not so sure - lets not forget she does have a law degree. I will admit there is a bit of Lionel Hutz about her (Gallipoli in Melbourne - What the fuck was with that?) , but surely she knew exactly what she wanted to say - I mean, she said it on TV, its not like it just slipped out over a drunken lunch.

Now call me cynical, but I submit the following theory. Ms Vale is the Federal Member for Hughes. For those not familiar with this electorate, it is the one that takes in the Sutherland shire, where the infamous Sydney race riots went down. Hughes is also a marginal Liberal seat. Sure, every intellectual political journalist in the country is having a sling at her. Lets not forget however, the idiots in her electorate, the ones who took to the streets in a rampage of beating up anyone vaguely middle eastern looking, the ones who vote for her, are right now ringing up talkback radio to say "Fuck Yeah!"

Danna Vale might be a lot of things, but dopey isn't one of them.

For the love of your deity of choice, it's just a cartoon!

2006-02-14T14:46:00.000+10:30

Unless you have been living in an embassy that hasn't been razed to the ground by an angry mob yet, you may have noticed the brouhaha around at the moment over a few danish cartoons.

When a event like this takes place, with so many different displays of lunacy involved, its hard to decide which bit dissapoints me the most. Seriously, its a veritible menu of things to be cynical about.

I wonder who is worse

The Danish Imams who sent the cartoons to the Middle East with the specific intent of stirring up trouble, and including a couple of offensive extras just to make sure?
Hardline governments who used the cartoons to incite mob violience to achieve thier own ends?
Or the mindless sheep who are so easily incited into committing such violent acts?

My downloadable wallpaper, whilst being a little tounge in cheek, is more pertinent than ever - you really shouldn't underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I guess the thing that I find most amusing about the whole affair, and this also applies to Christian extremism, is that it seems that the more you love the prophet and defend his honour, the less you are obliged to act like him or listen to his teachings.

Superstition

2006-02-13T20:44:00.000+10:30

I have just got back from an amazing holiday in Tasmania. Now, Tasmania, being and island and all, means that to get there you need to take some kind of vessel that can traverse large bodies of water.

Since I wanted to take my own car, that procluded flying, so I had to take a large ocean going ferry, the Spirit of Tasmania. Aside from a fair bit of drinking, and getting stuck in the middle of an altercation between and irate passenger and the ships bursar, it was a largely uneventful trip.

However, while I was in Tasmania, a similar sized ferry caught fire and sank near Egypt.

This obviously raised the level of concern for the trip home. However, as I was walking along the odd number isle of the accomodation deck, looking for cabin number 11, I noticed that it appeared between cabins 9 and 15.

Oh thank fuck for that! I slept soundly knowing the boat was safe since they didn't install a cabin 13, so obviously it was a lucky boat.

I bet there was no cabin 13 on the egyptian boat either.

C'mon Brian, let's go to the stoning.

2006-01-19T10:19:00.000+10:30

I was shocked to read last week that 346 people were crushed to death during the annual Islamic Mecca ritual - The stoning of the devil, where pilgrims hurl rocks at some pillars, mimicing Abraham's actions many years ago when he saw the devil on said pillars. Chucking rocks seems like a pretty feeble attack against Diablo himself, but if you've got an Angel called Gabriel egging you on, what are you going to do?

Whilst this is a shocking tradgedy,it is sadly by no means an isolated incident, with similar incidents happening in 2004, 2003, 2001, 1998 and 1994. According to the Wikipedia, the total bodycount to date from deaths during this ritual is a staggering 1,034 people.

Clerics are quick to point out that this sensless waste of human life is God's will. Fair enough, but if this is so, has it occurred to them that perhaps they are throwing rocks at the wrong pillars? God does seem pretty cranky about the whole thing.

Alternative therapies

2006-01-12T09:34:00.000+10:30

Just before Christmas last year, after I finished work, I decided that a good way to relax just before the silly season was to go for a massage. I have to admit, I love a massage, the nice music, the soothing hands, its just a tip top relaxing experience.

Karen and I had been seeing a lovely massuese for quite a few years, and I really loved every three months or so going to see her for some stress relief and wise words. Sadly though, Jan hurt her back and retired from the massage game, leaving us on the hunt for a new massuese.

For a couple of months things were looking bleak. I had recommendations from friends about other good practitioners, but they all had one problem, they had testes. Now I am by no means homophobic, but like hair dressers, I just think that if I am paying for soft hands on my back, they should be female.

As luck would have it, a lovely new massuese opened up a practice in one of the disused shops at the end of our street - so Karen and I booked in.

The massage was fantastic, but there is always a slight discomfort for a skeptic like me when I visit the massuese, I feel that I am always coming a bit close to the what I call "New Age Hippy Poppycock" or NAHP(tm) for short. One of the things I noticed about the massage clinic, whilst surveying the abundant NAHP(tm), was that this particular lady had a certificate claiming she was a Reiki master.

Now I don't begrudge anyone if they think that Reiki helps them. I think its a load of old balderdash, but if you think it works, hey, it's your money. What I want to know however is this.
How is believing in Reiki any more legitimate than believing in the Force? Why can I go and study and become a Reiki master and make a living, but being a Jedi master will make me little more than one of those nerds who dresses up for comic conventions?

The similarities are obvious. Reiki is the art of manipulating "Chi" to bring about healing in the body. Apparently a Reiki master can, without touching you, impart life energy to you. The Jedi manipulate the Force to do the same sort of things. They also can also heal, and manipulate you also without the pesky requirement for physical contact.

Furthermore, I did a quick search on the web for a definition of Chi, and turned up the following

"Chi is the universal force of energy that flows through all matter" (source)

Sound familiar? Let's here from our mate Yoda in Empire Strikes Back.

"For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes."

Some Reiki practitioners claim to be able to heal long distance, ie by not even being in the same room. Wow, that's a big claim, but then, I guess since we have established that Chi Energy is the same as the Force, and the power to be able to blow up a planet is insigificant in comparison to power of the Force, who knows what you can do with it.

Let's for a moment digress and pretend that a Reiki masters ability to manipulate chi isn't NAHP(tm). If it is true, my question is this.

Does it have a dark side and a light side? Can I use it for evil? If not, why not? Can become a Reiki master and turn, and then use my Reiki powers to suck out people's life force for my own evil power hungry purposes? Where can I learn to apply a Chi Choke on someone?

This would be handy, because jeez it would be cool the next time someone cuts me off in traffic to be able to chi choke them and then say "Apology accepted, Captain Needa"

Reformed Men

2005-12-19T12:30:00.000+10:30

I have been interested of late by the outpouring of emotion over the execution of Van Nguyen and Tookie Williams, two criminals that had clearly reformed, but were executed anyway.

Let's just state from the outset, I don't support the death penalty in anyform. However, the question I have to ask is, would the reform of these guys been so definite and complete if they weren't on death row?

Heavy I know. So lets now poke some more fun at idiots with too much money. Click.

More tomphoolery

2005-12-06T09:12:00.000+10:30

Just a quick one for everyone who rushed out and bought a new power cable for thier home theatre systems. You clearly aren't getting the best out of your system if you aren't using one of these.

http://www.amusicdirect.com/products/detail.asp?sku=ASHAKSTN

Quartz crystal oscillators indeed.

I dub thee Sir Audiophool

2005-11-23T09:34:00.000+10:30

I have been shopping for a new camera of late, and this little project took me to a department store that is a bastion of suckers with too much money- Harvey Norman. I once overheard a poor old lady in the computer department get talked out of buying a mid range pentium computer in favour of a high end Athalon 64 because the pentium "wouldn't run the latest version of windows"

Anyway the sucker that caught my attention on the last trip to the electrical superstore was a man chatting to the friendly salesman about a product called Monster Cable. This particular gent was obviously an 'audiophile'.

Rightly or wrongly, I take the word audiophile to mean, "one who derives sexual pleasure while listening to audio, presumably by some sort of autoerotic means". Or in more crude terms, "a wanker". The audiophile is a peculiar subset of the human species, a group with generally too much money and too much faith in thier own golden ears.

Fortunately, as is the way in nature, for every group of suckers with too much money, there is a natural predator to relieve them of some of it. Monster cable is one such predator.

$679 for a speaker cable? "You've got to be joking!" is the response from most rational types. However the ardent audiophile will claim to be able to tell the difference - despite the fact that his loungeroom is not an anecoic reference chamber and his ears aren't precision oscilloscopes.

Obviously though, there is no point in having speaker cables made out of exotic rare metals only found on passing comets, unless your power cable is up to scratch. So our friends at monster cable also make a power cable for the fair price of $100USD.

However, your discerning audiophile wouldn't be caugth dead listening to his Vivaldi through a stereo connected to the wall with a mere monster cable. For the discerning ear, you need one of these.

That's right a $1500 USD Power Cable, as gushed over in a review by an audiophool website.

I quote..

"The lifelike timing and pace the Clairvoyant brings to music will startle some listeners. This AC cord dramatically improves the immediacy of a transient’s inception, allowing for an incredible expanse of harmonic information and musical envelopment to follow"

Dear me. The only thing I have to say is BINGO!

A crossroads if you will

2005-11-18T15:32:00.000+10:30

I have to admit I am at a bit of a crossroads with this blog. At first I thought it would be a cool idea to have place on the net where I could cynically spew bile on any thing that gave me the shits. A place where I could type naughty sayings like "blows the monkeys choad" and "useless cum gurgling fucktard". A place where I could have an alternative evil personality. All that sort of bullshit.

But to tell you the truth, its getting a bit old for me. For example, I had to ring Telstra yesterday, and to get my particular query answered I had to speak to 3 people as well as a computer using a total of 25 minutes of my time. I briefly thought about getting on here calling them a bunch of goat fuckers, but to be honest I couldn't be fucked.

The problem is that in real life, I don't actually give a fuck about very much. Not many things really piss me off. Sure losing my keys makes me want to take to the street and kill people, but aside from that, not much really bothers me.

What does really, truly make my blood boil is right wing shock jocks. Guys like John Laws, Stan Zemanek, Alan Jones and Big Bob Francis. Self righteous, egotistical, power hungry knobs the lot of them. The epiphany came to me when I was watching my favourite tv show, Media Watch, and Liz was taking down Big Bob over the "dickbrain" incident.

Does my blog sound like one of those guys? Holy fucking shit! Reading it back, I reckon it does. The thing here is that you have to know me to know that its all supposed to be funny. A casual reader could easily mistake me for some kind of half baked shock jock wannabe.

So, what I have decided to do is to change the tone of this blog to explore the darker, more cynical side of my real personality than the phony one I have been using to date. I know this implies that I have some sort of plan, so lets just for the moment pretend that I do.

I make no guarantees this thing will be worth reading in the future, but, life's a bit like that. For those who crave humourous crankiness though, read this guys blog, he is much better at it than me.

http://maddox.xmission.com/

War on Piracy

2005-11-07T20:39:00.000+10:30

Seems to be a bit of an uproar at the moment over the recent piracy attack off of the coast of Somalia. Rightfully so, I mean those bastards were using rocket propelled grenades rather than cutlasses - it's just not right. I bet they didn't say aaarrgghh me hearties either.

Having just read this article, I expect the following scenario is going to unfold over the next couple of weeks.

First Dubya will cave into RIAA lobbyists and declare a War on Piracy. Our mate George will be too stupid to know the difference between raiding ships at gunpoint and downloading songs off of the internet. Some adviser will tell him they have parrots of mass destruction and that will be enough for him.

The Australian government will of course go along with this war on piracy, regardless of how scant the evidence that an actual threat exists, because it seems like a good opportunity to wind back some of those pesky civil liberties like that annoying law that prevents the police locking people up without good reason.

Of course, as the bill goes to parliment, the goverment will release a statement warning of an imminent piracy attack that can only be prevented by the introduction of said laws. The opposition will see through this smoke screen, but due to their unfortunate devotion to the misguided political tactic of trying to out-conservative the conservatives, will not only support the laws, but complain they are not tough enough. Later, the opposition will , after re reading the polls and realising they had them upside down, flip over and then feign concern about the laws being unconstituional.

By this time it will be all too late of course, the government will use its senate majority to pass these laws to fight the so called "War on Piracy" and the police will already be busting down the doors of and detaining without charge 13 year old kids downloading the latest Brittney Spears song off of the net. All the while Pirates are on the loose in the high seas doing whatever it was they were doing before unhindered.

More Petroleum Industry Shenanigans

2005-10-31T21:24:00.000+10:30

Just picked up an oil industry rag, only to find this golden quote on the front cover "The Kyoto Protocol is a political solution to a non existant problem without scientific justification"

So the oil industry is claiming that the greenhouse effect is nothing to worry about? Oh thats alright then, lets just have a big fossil fuel burn off in celebration! After all, an oil industry rag found some guy with a website that said it was alright, so it must be true.

PESA news apparently liked Dr Balls website so much that they reprinted the whole thing in thier magazine and called it an "article".

friendsofscience.org? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say friendsofhalliburton.org is probably closer to the truth.

Santana the fucking sellout

2005-10-12T22:41:00.000+09:30

Lets get one thing clear, I own a lot of Santana albums and Good Ol' Carlos is one of my favourite guitar players.

Santana went for a nigh on 30 years making great albums of his own masterful guitar style driving latin jazz rock fusion songs. Sure, some of the 80's albums had some questionable ballads, but nothing that a fan would get to upset about.

A few years ago though, he came out with a little album called Supernatural, which was a global smash, driven largely by the single "Smooth" featuring Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. While I think Matchbox 20 are a bunch of arse munching choads, it was a pretty good song, and a pretty good album with some other interesting duets.

Like a lot of fans, I expected him (and now, I am refering to Santana as Carlos Santana, I presume the other guys in the band "Santana" have long since fucked off) to go back to making normal records after this. I guess I was wrong. His follow up album to this was another guest star duet album, the - still ok but not as good as "Supernatural" and nowhere fucking near as good as "Santana 3" - Shaman.

Now my old mate Santana has released a new album, and wouldn't you fucking know it, ANOTHER fucking duet guest star bullshitfest. For fucks sake Carlos, you must be wealthy enough without having to sell out this way. The album "All that I am" is little more than a piss weak advertisement for other artists singed to Sony. Sure there is some nice guitar playing on the record, but the songs are shit.

He collaborates with the very whingy Joss Stone and the too cool for school Sean Paul for fucks sake. It gets worse too, there is a song on there with Bo Bice. That's right, the stupid meatloaf look alike motherfucker from American Idol. He didn't even win....

So all I have left to say about "All that I am" is, at least I downloaded the bastard before I wasted my money on it.

Office bathrooms

2005-10-07T10:29:00.000+09:30

I tell you what really grinds my gears, it's the office bathroom where there is 3 stalls separated by only thin melamine walls, so everytime I visit I have to listen to the grunts, groans and unholy smells of my co-workers. Now while this is repulsive, even I am prepared to accept that people have no control over the sounds and smells they make. However what you can fucking help is talking on your mobile phone while in the can.

No shit, I was in the stall the other day, and I heard a mobile phone ring. I was flabbergasted as Grunthos the flatulent in the next stall actually answered it and started with a whole lot of "I want that report this afternoon" type bullshit. Seriously dude, how fucking important do you think you are? What, you can't wait 2 minutes before you get back to your desk before you order your subordinates around?

The other amazing thing about these toilets, which by the way are housed in the head office of a multinational oil company, is that they recently have had flushless urinals and low voltage lightbulbs installed in them. The sign on the wall proudly proclaims this was done because the company 'cares about the environment'. So let me get this straight, they make money by extracting fossil fuel from the ground, but their conscience is clear because they have low voltage bulbs in the dunny. Fuck off....

I love chain letters...

2005-09-14T12:09:00.000+09:30

Here's an email I got the other day. Have a read of it and see if you can spot my problems with it.
>> IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE IN AUSTRALIA
> DID NOT PURCHASE A DROP OF PETROL FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT
> THE SAME TIME, THE OIL COMPANIES WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILES.
>> AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS OVER
> 4.6 BILLION DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL
> COMPANIES.
>> THEREFORE THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 22nd HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED "STICK >IT
> UP THEIR BEHIND " DAY AND THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION SHOULD NOT BUY A
> SINGLE DROP OF PETROL THAT DAY.
>> THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO AS MANY
> PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD OUT.
>> WAITING ON THE GOVERNMENT TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE
> PRICES IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND
> CONTROL IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO?
>> REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF PETROL GOING
> UP BUT AT THE SAME TIME AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES,
> TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES WHICH EFFECTS
> PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD,CLOTHING,
> BUILDING SUPPLIES MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC. WHO PAYS IN THE END? WE DO!
>> WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IF THEY DON'T GET THE MESSAGE
> AFTER ONE DAY, WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.
>> SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE WORD. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE
> YOU KNOW. MARK YOUR CALENDARS AND MAKE SEPTEMBER 22nd A DAY THAT THE
> CITIZENS OF AUSTRALIA SAY "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH"

Got 'em all? Just in case you didn't, I'll list them one by one for future reference.

1. You have to be suspicous of any scheme typed up by someone obviously too fucking stupid to find the caps-lock key on a keyboard.
2. "It has been calculated that....". What a lot of bullshit. It has also been calculated that at least 87% of statistics are made up on the spot. Does the originator of this email honestly expect me to believe that he got his pocket calculator out and worked this out? That he was totally across the production arrangements of every oil company? Piss off.
3. Assuming its not impossible to stop everyone buying petrol on one day, which of course any one who is not a brainless choad can see that it is, but assuming its not, how the fuck do you plan to stop everyone USING fuel on that day. After all, if you still use it, you are still going to have to buy it some time. What are you going to do? Organise a national stay at home day? But then, there won't be any power, since you need fuel to drive trains to move coal to make power? But gas powered stations I hear you say? Who's gonna man them, every one is at home not using fuel. Do I need to go much further to show how fucking stupid this whole idea is?
4. Petrol is expensive at the moment for 3 main reasons, high world oil price, unusually high refined petrol price, due to lack of world refining capacity since some major Katrinaization of some big refineries in the US, and high state and federal taxes. Sorry to break this to all you people power believing hippies, but the amount the consumer can do about this, short of buying a pushbike and shutting the fuck up, is zero. Nada. SFA if you will. What I can promise you is this, the only thing the oil companies will be choking on on September 22 is thier laughter at Melvins who actually thought they were going to cause some global crash in oil stock by forwarding emails around.

I propose we mark our calendars and make September 22 national think before you send a stupid fucking email day.

Do I look like I want a fricken credit card?

2005-08-22T21:40:00.000+09:30

Junk Mail has really been fucking me off lately. I keep getting hounded by those nimrods at American Express to get one of those oh so fucking prestigious gold credit cards.

At least they sell them as being prestigious. The fact you only have to earn $25k per year to get one kind of dampens the prestige for me - any fucker with some kind of job can get themselves into never ending debt with one.

Someone i know suggested that what you should do with junk mail that comes with reply paid envelopes, is get other junkmail such as pizza menus out of your letter box and send it to the credit card company using the envelope.

A nice idea, but one that can be made better with some special waxing cynical refinement. I can't wait to post this in my local mailbox....

Making our children soft.

2005-07-28T09:09:00.000+09:30

As an about-to-be parent, what concerns me greatly is that our society is making the kids of today a bit soft. What also concerns me, well, more like down right fucks me off is political correctness. So imagine my ire when I find out that some namby bloody pamby teacher in England, is proposing eliminating the word failure from British schools and replacing it with "deferred sucess". What the fuck, is this the sort of thing we are going to hear in the future?

"Oh I'm sorry Mrs Smith, but your son had deferred sucess on the exam because he was motivationally challenged and has learning difficulty".

Fuck that. Give it to 'em straight I say, more like:-

"Mrs Smith, your son failed the exam because he is stupid and too fucking lazy to study"

If kids fail something, they need to know about it, just like in the real world. However, I'm all for telling them in a more hip way than just drawing a big red F on thier exam paper. Perhaps we could just attach something like this

And while I'm on about truth in advertising...

2005-07-22T08:42:00.000+09:30

I think one of the reasons that the internet has become so popular is it gives people the ability to assume a better identity that the dysfunctional one they were born with. Every fucker is an expert on the net, and not only that, great looking, outgoing and fun to be around. Its amazing how a weblog written by a sweaty computer nerd in tracksuit pants can make that person's life seem much less pointless than it really is.

Anyway, I was trawling the net for human tragedy to mock the other night, and I found myself browsing a popular online dating service. It's amazing what people will write to make themselves seem attractive to the opposite sex. Some of them are so desperate they pass themselves of as bisexual, which means in real life that they are not "adventurous", but so goddamm starved for companionship that they will take anyone, including the odd small goat.

What I reckon would be a hit, at least for comedy reasons, is an online dating service where you had to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It'd go something like this...

Body type: In shape. Well round is a shape.
Eye colour: Bloodshot, from staying up all night having pointless arguments on internet message boards about which Linux distro is better, or whether Mace Windu could beat Darth Maul in a sabre fight.
Hair colour: Brown, with a nice greasy sheen
Smoking habits: Don't smoke now mum has banned it in the house.
Drinking habits: Socially, well socially if you call having my cat in the room while drinking a social occasion
Relationship Status: Have several friends on MSN
Have children: If you count my computers, 27
Want children: That involves having sex, right? In that case a resounding yes.
Nationality: Netizen
Ethnic/cultural background: I am fluent in two languages, English and l33t speak. As in OMG!WTF! I \/ teh l33t haXor!!!
Religion: Jedi
Occupation industry: Duh, Computers
Occupation level: I fix computers for my friends from the basement of my parent's house, so I guess that makes me CEO of Wankertech Computers Pty Ltd.
Education Level: Just know that I think I am smarter than you.
Political persuasion: Open Source = Good, Microsoft = Bad
Diet: Pizza, Corn Chips and Red Bull predominantly.
Personality type: Nerd.
Have Pets: I get along well with my pet rock.
Sign of the Zodiac: I will claim to be any which one to get someone to like me

Long Blocks of Non Stop Schlock

2005-07-19T16:23:00.000+09:30

I work in a cube farm, and I tell you what gives me the fucking shits. Arsehats who think that because they like to listen to brain numbing commercial radio stations while they pretend to work, the rest of the office does do. Well Newsflash fucktards, some of us would rather eat a bowl full of pubes than subject our ears to the pointless drivel coming from your corner.

The radio station that one of my oh-so-fucking-considerate workmates subjects me to is Adelaides Mix 102.3. I have come up with a new logo for them that more accurately describes them.

Dix is a good call sign for a station where all of the DJ's are dicks. Dicks who play fucked music. For crying out loud, how many times can you play that stupid fucking John Mellencamp CD? Isn't it worn out yet? Fuck me, I'm worn out listening to it.

I'd like to sue these pricks for false advertising. They advertise the fact that we are in a "No Repeat Workday" every second fucking minute, which sort of implies that the music they play is somehow not repetitive. Sure they might not play the same song twice on one day, but that doesn't stop them trying to make me vomit with the same steaming pile of Shania Twain turd Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and fucking Friday. If I hear Hoobaskank or whatever thier stupid name is one more time, I am going to get medieval on that radio's ass.

To further the pain, this sorry excuse for entertainment is having a double play week. Oh fucking goodie, as if one Bryan Adams song isn't enough, they have to follow it up with another just to make sure you've suffered.

And, no, I couldn't give a fuck about cold hard cash.

An Ironic Link...

2005-07-19T14:15:00.000+09:30

...here

How's this nimrod

2005-07-13T21:42:00.000+09:30

Further proof of the fact that peer pressure is the strongest force in the universe, if it wasn't for getting egged on by your mates, who on earth would be stupid enough to participate in the running of the bulls in Spain? Especially if you knew the consequences were going to be as follows.....

And some clarification

2005-07-12T20:07:00.000+09:30

Wow, the post below shows what happens when you really are angry not just joking around - you cross the line from cynical to irrational.

Anyway I want to clear some stuff up.

First of all, despite what I might have implied, and despite any bullshit George Dubya might like to spin, I don't actually believe the sole motivation for terrorists is the creation of some worldwide Sharia Law theocracy. I understand that its a whole fucking lot more complicated than that, and the hopelessness of the situation for Palestinian Muslims in the occupied territories probably has the biggest part to play.

The thing is that I imagine that the motivation of your average islamic bomber is the promise of paradise, and I guess it proves that peer pressure really is the strongest force on earth, especially in the case of suicide bombers.

My point stands though, any group, be they terrorist organisation or goverment, who blows up innocent people, is nothing but a pack of twunts.

If you really want to get cynical about the whole thing, then I guess you have got to ask yourself why we make such a big deal over death and maiming in a city we are familiar with, and yet a bombing of this size seems to happen every third day in cities we are less familiar with, like ones in Iraq. The crime is just as heinous, Its just nobody seems to take interest unless they feel some connection.

I am just as guilty of this as anybody, but what are you gonna do?

And if you want to get really fucking cynical, you should note that the good people at Transport for London are refering to the bombings in thier real time updates as "Thursday's Network Incident". Now there's some politically correct weasel words if I ever heard them.

Seriously.....

2005-07-08T09:44:00.000+09:30

If you religious extremist motherfuckers think you are buying your way into a heaven full of dark eyed virgins by blowing shit up and killing people, then I reckon you are sadly fucking mistaken.

I'm not religious, but I am sure no god approves of this shit.

As a matter of a fact, I reckon what ever god it is you believe in is going to condemn you to whatever version of hell it is you believe in. You certainly deserve it.

Yeah, I am fucking selfish

2005-07-03T15:35:00.000+09:30

People have been whinging at me lately for not updating this blog. Boo hoo hoo, you haven't updated.... boo hoo hoo, I have been checking.... boo hoo hoo.

Well cry me a river. I don't do it for you lot, although if some of you ever got around to clicking on those google links and making me some money, I might. But for now, I just haven't been feeling that cynical lately, so fucking deal with it.

Wanna see some artwork I have been making? No? Stiff shit here it is. Feel free to use these as appropriate.

Am I really in the top 4%?

2005-05-03T16:05:00.000+09:30

In terms of IQ I mean

Judging by the way I have just been taken, I think not. I was sitting at work trying to nut my way through a tricky pipe expansion problem, and I found my self at a website that managed to get a pop up window past my pop up blocker that had one of those test your IQ type problems on it.

I don't know why, but it was late afternoon, and I knew the answer so I clicked on the advert. I was then redirected to a site claiming to be able to test my IQ. The site was the very suspiciously named tickle.com.

So I clicked my way through 40 odd questions, which didn't seem that hard and at the end, after making me register and trying to sell me a $12US dollar, multi page IQ profile, it gave me the number of 136. This seemed reasonable, because like I said, the problems didn't seem that hard, and I did a proper test once back at uni and got around the same result.

Of course, it didn't take long for this feeling of self pride to degenerate into cynicinism, so I punched the innocuous search string "136 iq" into Google, and the top result was this site here.

Well what the fuck to you know? Everyone else got 136 too! I guess it would be pretty crushing if you shelled out the 12 bucks for the full IQ profile report, feeling smart for a while only to find you were duped into thinking you were smart so you would part with some money.

Sacred Spam

2005-04-18T23:01:00.000+09:30

Most of us get lots of spam email, and like most people I just have most of it sent straight to my junk folder and never see it. However, on a routine cleanout this one caught my eye as being worthy of mocking.

The mind just boggles doesn't it? The title of the email was "Get out of debt the Christian way". Tasteless crucifixion jokes aside, how exactly is the good Christian way to get out of debt? Confess to the priest and then pay back the money you owe? I prefer to deal with debt the Christadelphian way, and that is, judgment day is going to be anytime now so why worry?

I also love the way they say avoid the stigma of bankruptcy. Can they also help you to avoid the stigmata of bankruptcy if you borrow money from a loan shark who nails holes in your hands if you don't pay him back?

disappointingly, for a cynical nitpicker like me, the bible quote they provide is not made up. Although, they obviously have funky King Jimmy bible where Matthew is referred to lovingly as Matt.I wonder if he is the only disciple they have a nickname for? "Hey Jude, don't sell me out..." Ahem.

I also want you all to know that to bring you this great bit of humour, I actually had to open a spam email and download an image from it. A quick check of the image link shows it has my email in it, which means the good Christian spammers who sent it to me now know that my email is a real one. So I will probably go from 40 spams a day to about 400.

My email account is going to die for my sins.

The inaugral asshat award

2005-04-16T16:30:00.000+09:30

Goes to the motherfucker who was outside my window this morning (Saturday) with a fucking pavement saw at half past seven.

You sir, just earned this dubious honour. You are an....

Frequent Fliers

2005-04-04T09:42:00.000+09:30

Who has ever tried to actually redeem a frequent flier flight? Isn't a total pain in the arse, and every time I do it, the rules seem to get tighter and tighter and the available seats seem less and less.

This is because every man and his bloody dog is a member of frequent flier scheme these days, due to the whole credit card reward point scam. Most frequent flier members are lucky to be occasional fliers, and a good proportion are hardly fucking ever fliers. Still however, everytime you want to cash in some points, you have to compete with all these people for the limited seats.

I have a proposal. Are you listening Qantas?

There should be two frequent flier schemes. One for all of us who have earned our points by actually flying. By having to wait around airports, get our luggage lost, stand in queues, go through the 27 layers of airport security, and eat airline food. This exclusive FF scheme should allow you to get on any available seat you are eligible for, no restrictions. After all you earned it, by being loyal to the actual airline.

All of the rest of the impostors who earn points by filtering all of their transactions through their credit cards, and especially those who put all of their business transactions or all their family and friend's transactions, should be relegated to the second tier scheme. If it is necessary to further restrict this scheme to cover the top tier scheme for actual frequent fliers, then life is like that I'm afraid.

I know this sounds elitist, but meh, what are you going to do?

I tell you what I really hate...

2005-04-02T18:54:00.000+09:30

It's dickwads who start weblogs and then loose interest in them and don't update them for two weeks. I mean, you just get into it, and then, pow, fuck all updates.

I also hate hypocrites...

Cirque de Jaquo

2005-03-15T10:12:00.000+10:30

I know it's a cliche, but isn't the Michael Jackson trial a bloody circus.

Well, it's not so much the trial that I want to bitch about, but the coverage. Over the weekend I happened to be laying on the couch flipping the channels, and I chanced across what looked like live coverage of the trial.

It seemed a bit strange, since I thought the judge ordered no cameras in court. Then of course the words "Re-enactment" appeared in the corner of the screen, and my immediate thought was "oh for fuck's sake". The networks aren't allowed to broadcast the trial, but that won't stop them hiring a lot of B movie look-a-likes to act out the proceedings every day.

As look-a-likes go, they aren't bad.

Interestingly, the guy playing MJ is a bloke by the name of Edward Moss, who is somewhat of a professional Jackson impersonator. Having started his career by winning $200 bucks in a fancy dress contest while still employed at McDonald's, he then busked as MJ for a while before landing impersonating gigs in a few TV shows and the film Scary Movie 3. Even though the hot tip is that he won't actually get to speak through the whole thing, I guess this must be the pinnacle of his acting career.

Of course, if he wasn't available, the could have just got Diana Ross, or LaToya Jackson. Actually, maybe LaToya is a bit busy in the real trial, since conspiracy theorists would have you believe her and Michael are the same person anyway.

Anyway, I found myself somehow watching this dodgy re-enactment, in the same way you can't take your eyes off of someone who looks a bit strange. Just as I started to find it a bit boring, they cut to a "panel" who was then doing analysis and getting into heated debates over case details, footy show style.

Is it just me, or is there something slightly uncomfortable about the idea of three witty panelist's 'calling' a child sex abuse trial like a football game?

Oh well, like they say in the classics, only in America.

Ok, Shoot the fucking frog already

2005-02-25T12:42:00.000+10:30

Doesn't that bloody "Freaky Frog" that advertises mobile phone ring tones of his annoying little voice shit you to tears?

Don't know which frog I'm talking about? This little motherfucker.

Now a lot of adverts piss me off, but what gets so irate about this one is not his cock swinging in the breeze, but the fact that stupid people are gullible enough to pay $5 download his stupid little voice on to their phone. Not just one or two, but over a million people have downloaded this ringtone. A million people! I honestly had no idea the shallow end of the gene pool was so big.

It gets worse. Not only is this little prick invading every TV show I watch, but they are releasing a single. Aye Carumba - I dread the music video.

Ahh the irony

2005-02-15T23:07:00.000+10:30

You know what I find ironic? The fact that the song "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette doesn't contain so much as one fucking iota of irony.

Also ironic is me encouraging you to buy one of these t-shirts.

Valentine Schmalentine.

2005-02-14T12:44:00.000+10:30

Despite the fact that I am happily married and being jaded at this time of year is usually the domain of your single guy, I am the operator of a website called "Waxing Cynical".So I could hardly let the 14th of February go by without at least a passing jibe at St Valentines day.

The origins of the day are pretty unclear, but the general consensus is that is the day is the anniversary of some poor priest by the name of Valentine was relieved of his head by Claudius II. It's kind of apt really, just think of your bank balance as St Valentine and Hallmark as Claudius II.

But for the retailers, it is a god send really isn't it. It's conveniently located between Christmas and Easter, and just fills that gap in the sales figures nicely. The same way as Mothers day and Fathers day are nicely spaced between Easter and Christmas. I must admit that despite the best efforts of marketing machines all over the world, I derive some pride from the fact that I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about not buying anything heart shaped.

I have used Valentines day to my advantage nonetheless, as I chose February 16th to get married. This was a fine choice for the following reasons.

1. All of the shops start stocking heart shaped things 2-3 weeks in advance of our wedding anniversary providing me with a handy reminder service.
2. If I want to buy a romanticy sort of gift for our anniversary, I can get it on Feb 15th out of the bargain bin.
3. I have a legitimate excuse for avoiding the whole Valentines day crock of shit.

Look out, the crowd has pitchforks and flaming torches!

2005-02-08T13:00:00.000+10:30

You might have noticed this little story on the pages of your daily newspaper.

Let me get something clear from the outset, Dennis Ferguson is a worm, and I'd be uncomfortable if he were living near my children. I am in no way defending his actions in anything I am about to say.

However, the guy has just been released from 14 years of jail for unspeakable crimes, and he is now, rightly or wrongly, free, and as a result has to live somewhere in our community. After being run out of Bundaberg by an angry mob, he recently tried Murgon, in Ipswich.

Again, he was run out of town by an angry, violent, mob. I can understand these people are upset, but come on, do they really think they are helping anything or anyone by resorting to primitive mob vigilantism? Why don't they help the police do their work rather than hindering them by acting like a mob of peasants at a witch burning? All's they have done now is selfishly moved the problem from their community to someone else's. They should be ashamed, the lot of them. The old expression "2 wrongs don't make a right" comes to mind.

The worst thing about this lynch mob bullshit is that it was incited by a politician who should know better. The National Party deputy leader in Queensland, Jeff Seeney, urged "every single community" to act the way Murgon did.

Fuck me, just how low will these redneck's stoop to get votes? Why not bring back the public stoning? Surely Mr Seeney doesn't want to live in a society where over reacting hicks take the law into their hands everytime a politician feels it would be in his best interest to whip them into a frightened frenzy. I hope not.

The Fashion of Muffins

2005-02-01T22:40:00.000+10:30

Britney Spears, take a bow for the grand fashion trend you created in exposing everything north of Tasmania and south of the rib cage and sparking a worldwide trend. I doubt that Britney ever stopped to think about the freak show she was unleashing on young and impressionable minds!

For the likes of Britney, with an iron-board stomach, this fashion trend can work although god knows why, especially in winter, but for the majority, to expose what should otherwise be kept under wraps does make the mind boggle.

So it’s time to ‘shadow wax’ and go on the record as saying that I tire of seeing young females feeling that it’s fashionable to open up a new frontier and go around looking like something akin to the long lost girlfriend of the Michelin Man.

I call this trend “Muffin Topping” as the gullible victims have a tendency to look like the top of a muffin with the flab bulging over the belt. And yes, I know, I’m not one to talk when it comes to body mass, but at least I have the decency to cover it up. Why must my eyes be assaulted every time I go to out in public by these Britney aspiring muffin tops? One must wonder if the realise that a little less muffin topping would to a lot for their public image!

Go out and buy some clothes that fit and stop trying to still fit in clothes that you grew out of a couple of years ago! I'll even throw in a few bucks to help kick start some sort of a buy back scheme!

When will it end!? If Britney had any decency, she would apologise to the world, and if she doesn’t, lets try her at the Hague!

The Adelaide Crapvertiser

2005-01-31T11:59:00.000+10:30

It sure sucks living in a one newspaper town, I tell you.

The local news paper here in Adelaide is a tabloid rag called "The Advertiser", which is quite an apt title really, for reasons I will go into in a bit.

First though, I point you to a story from the Saturday before last that really raised my hackles. Recently there has been a few idiots in the southern suburbs throwing rocks at cars, which the paper have been reporting on. Fair enough. The situation has got a bit out of hand, and some poor unfortunate fellow ended up getting quite seriously injured. Again, I will concede, newsworthy.

What is not worthy of the bloody front page of Saturday's newspaper is a story about this poor blokes father calling for a film featuring kids throwing rocks to be banned. Sure, he is understandably upset, but does the paper really need to plaster his call to ban the film all over the front page? I mean it's not like any sensible, level minded person is going to agree. Where do you stop? The movie "Ghost" shows some guy shooting someother guy. Ban it! The movie "Finding Nemo" features a sons blatant disregard for his fathers instructions on his safety. Ban it! I don't have to cite to many more examples to show how stupid this all is.

This weekend in the Advertiser, they are peddling these cut out Simpson's figurines, that make part of a set to go on this map you got free with the Sunday paper. Only $1 each day with the token from the paper. Ok, even I'm not cynical enough to have a problem with this sort of marketing. I am not even really that bothered by the advertising blitzkreig they have been running over the last fortnight for the things. What does bother me though, and I risk sounding like David Marr from Mediawatch here, is them blatantly inventing bullshit stories so they can tie thier Simpsons promotions in.

Take the full page story on Saturday, featuring an 'expert' saying how Springfield had a remarkable resemblance to Adelaide.

Bullshit.

To paraphrase the article,

"The Simpsons has the quick-e-mart, run by an indian guy, and Adelaide has the Central Market, which has stalls run by people from ethnic minorities - amazing"

Give me a fucking rest. If I was a serious journalist who could be arsed doing research like David Marr, I would bet that News Ltd ran a similar story in all of thier newspapers in places where they were trying to flog thier figurines.

Finally, I have to mention our little mate Lleyton Hewitt. The paper today reports (so it may or may not be true, admittedly) that he has proposed to his girlfriend, home and away hottie Bec Cartwright, soon after losing the Australian open.

Hmmm, that was sudden, they were supposed to be only going out for a couple of months. Maybe he just figures she is the one, and she is damn hot, but didn't Kim Clijsters dump him for "no reason" late last year. No reason hey? Perhaps no non-scandalous reason. A cynical guy might raise the possibility of some girlfriend overlap.......

Sort this shit out before I retire the lot of you!

2005-01-11T16:18:00.000+10:30

Brace yourself because this is going to get nerdy. Don't like it? You know what you can do...

There's this little film called Blade Runner, based on a book with a much less catchy title called "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?". Incidently there is actually a book called Bladerunner that has nothing to do with the movie, but I can't be bothered explaining. Try here if you care.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, Ridley Scott made the film in '82, the clueless studio execs thought it was a bit dark and hard to understand so forced him to tack on a happy ending and a crappy narration track. This, amongst a lot of other fuck ups during shooting forced the film massively over budget, and as a result ownership ended up with the guarantors, a mob called univision, and in particular a guy called Jerry Perenchio. I'll get to these motherfuckers a bit.

Ridley was understanably shitty about the whole mess, but did nothing until someone made an unauthorised edit of the film in '91. This prompted him to make the quick fix up directors cut in 92, that is now seen on DVD.

Here's where the problem starts. While Blade Runner, and in particular the Directors Cut is a fucking masterpiece, the current DVD on sale to the public is, by today's standards, a disgrace. A double sided disk you have to turn over, no special features, average transfer and no dolby digital.

Ridley knows this, and as such late in 2002 got his shit together, did another, less rushed, re-edit of the film and put together a 3 DVD box set of the great film with a whole lot of other stuff. Which should be good news for geeks like myself, it is a source of great frustration.

Why? Because Warner Brothers , Univision, and Ridley Scott are involved in some dead end legal battle over who owns the film, and have been for 3 fucking years now.

I am sure all three parties have more than enough money right now, so here's my message.

Sort it the fuck out already! I don't give a fuck who reckons they own what, just split it three ways and release the DVD already. You are not making a brass razoo with the DVD rotting in the bargain bin, so why don't you all just kiss and make up, and at least try to get something for the movie and Ridley Scott's hard work.

The thing is, some fuckers at that 2 bit spanish TV network have the good copy of this movie, so why don't the greedy pricks share it with the rest of us who give a fuck?! We need a decent copy of Blade Runner you tools! Don't you understand....

Life has its ups and downs

2005-01-04T15:09:00.000+10:30

Do you work in a multi story building? Then listen up!

Elevators (n) - A useful invention that helps busy people save time going up and down to the office so they have more time in the gym getting fit on the stepper machine.

Now when using these great innovations of vertical transport, there are a couple of things that you should be aware of.

First of all, I know you're in a hurry, but if you are the only one in the lift then there is no need to stand a millimeter away from the middle of the doors. If microseconds are precious to you however, and you do need to stand in this ridiculous position, and I want to get into said lift with my hands full, then have some fucking courtesy and step aside.

Secondly, the whole standing with your nose to the door thing is just as bad if you are waiting for a lift. The normal etiquette is let the old people out of the lift before getting in. Asshats who rush the lift as soon as the doors open, regardless of anyone who wants to get out, deserve death by anal execution.

Finally, and this is the big one, if you are only going one floor, then for fucks sake don't be lazy and take the stairs! One lousy flight! It's not that hard. Especially going down.

You think I do this shit for free?

2005-01-03T01:29:00.000+10:30

Nope, I do it so I can cash in.

See that add down there. My friend Steve thinks I can't make any money by selling my cynical, jaded soul to google. Well, as an experiment, lets just try to prove him wrong. Sure, I am actually pretty cynical as well, but go on, click it, you know you want to.

The friendly folks at Google have promised to send me a cheque for $100US, just as soon as I have accumulated enough clicks. Funny, they never actually tell you the payment per click. I guess it's because it is probably 0.000000000000000001c and apes will be in charge on earth before my cheque comes.

Aside from blatently cashing in on being surley, the other reason I put the ads there is because they are supposed to be 'targeted', which means somehow related to the content of the page they are sitting on. I just want to see what products and services are related to me getting on the internet and calling people asshats. Only time will tell.....

Leader of the Free World?!?!

2005-01-03T01:11:00.000+10:30

Fuck me, this speaks for itself! Dubya's spell checkers must have had the day off.

Christmas Special

2004-12-21T22:58:00.000+10:30

Bah fucking humbug.

You know what I hate? Dickheads who actually think the Griswolds from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation are worthy examples of people to be mimicked and decorate their houses with pointless bloody Christmas lights.

And sorry folks, the more lights you have, the more money you spend, the tackier it is. How the fuck has decorating your house with enough lights to wind your electricity usage up to the level of a small city have anything to do with the birth of the Christian messiah? I ask you....

Take for example, my next door neighbor. We won't name him, so lets just call him Mr Choad. Cop this shit will ya? We have gas and coal fired electricity in South Australia, so this has got to be against the Kyoto protocol.

Crikey, I can't believe I have to live next door to that tasteless temple of kitsch, it's deplorable! I mean, the photos don't really give you the full spectacle, with all the fit inducing flashing that invades your retinas in real life. Its a fucking wonder he doesn't have music to go with it, although he wouldn't want to, or I would be forced to ring up dubya and tell him that's where Osama bin Laden was hanging out.

And don't even get me started on the asshats across the road who have a flexible neon tube in their front window fashioned into and effigy of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Transit aggravation

2004-12-09T23:03:00.000+10:30

I have been traveling a lot lately, and since I don't own a learjet, I am forced to use mass transit options such as airlines and public trains to cover large distances.

This wouldn't be a problem, if not for the asshats who are out to make your journey difficult.

The first type of person I call to your attention is the "personal space protector". They are the type of person on the train who likes to try and take up 3 seats to themselves, regardless of how many people are around. You want personal space? Buy a car motherfucker. I got on the train the other day with some luggage, since I was flying out that afternoon, and there was a guy sitting at the in the isle seat with two free seats between him and the window. It was 7:45 and the train was fairly full, so I said excuse me with my most polite voice, and rather than sliding over, space protector man motions to the free seats, thinking I wouldn't have the gall to squeeze in there with my suitcase. Wrong again buttmunch.

Then you get the spankmasters who get the isle seats on planes, and make sure they are the first to board. They then get themselves comfortable in their isle seats, and are too fucking lazy to move. You know the type, when you tell them that you need to get in, rather than picking their lazy arses off the seats, they just swing their legs around a bit as if you can slide past. Look mate, you might like having an arse in your face, but I ain't putting mine there so you can get a better look.

Another type to look out for on planes is the impatient window seater. Here's the thing, if you get the window and the nice view, then sorry but the trade off is you get your luggage out of the overhead compartment AFTER the people in the isle seats. Why the hurry anyway - you still have to wait for your luggage on the conveyor like everyone else. On the flight I got today, I had the isle seat and this other cockspank had the window. He was so impatient, and I am not kidding you here, while I was getting my bag out of the over head locker, he climbed on the fucking middle seat so could get his bag out five seconds sooner. Have some fucking patience for crying out loud you nimrod.

Why do people try to save those elusive few seconds when trying to get off of a flight? I am fucked if I know seriously. Take the luggage carousel. I just don't get why people need to stand shoulder to shoulder with their shins touching it so noone gets their bag before them. It would be far quicker if everyone stood back a few steps and just stepped up to grab their bag when it came around.

You know those cute beagles they have to sniff out fruit? They should also train those puppies to go for the jugular of any asshat who crowds the luggage carousel. That'd sort 'em out.

Pop Divas.

2004-11-21T19:52:00.000+10:30

Why don't we have a little chat about that little Aussie battler Delta Goodrem?

Now lets get a few things out of the way. I know that she is obviously an enormously talented musician. I also will concede that she is bloody nice looking - in that sort of girl-next-door-that-you-secretly-hope-would-be-a-dirty-slut-in-bed sort of way. Although perhaps since the Poo left her for the celebrity bicycle Paris Hilton (I've seen her video, and frankly can you blame the man? I mean golf balls and garden hoses...) maybe my secret hopes are unfounded.

And, yes, alright, she was brave in her struggle against the big C. I admire that, I really do.

Delta's new single, incase you have been fortunate enough to have not been exposed to any commercial radio for the last month is called "Out of the Blue". It is a heartfelt ballod (Delta? Ballad? Who'd have thunk it!) about her struggle with illness and how much the Scud made her happy. Now call me heartless, call me insensitive,call me bloody un-Australian if you like, but everytime I hear that song, I feel like my intestins want to jump out of my mouth and strangle me! Honestly, I have felt less sick after drinking 15 beers then eating a kebab than I do everytime that soppy rubbish invades my ears.

Sheesh, and the guilt! I know I should be moved by it, but am I a bad person just because a little voice appears in my head saying "Boo fucking hoo - cash in why don't ya!" everytime I am in a taxi and exposed to "Out of the Blue"? You be the judge....

While I am taking cheap pot shots - Casey bloody Chambers.

Now Casey, Aussie Wondermum, I am supposed to feel sorry for you as well since you have just become a single wondermum. Sadly though, I have two major problems.

First of all, you play Country music which I can't stand at the best of times, and you sing soppy country tripe with that nasally little voice that makes my want to hack my own fucking ears off with a spoon! It's repugnant. Am I not pretty enough? Be fucking honest sweetheart, what do you think.

Secondly, that bloody lip peircing. I can't look at it without wincing. It reminds me of Austin Powers with the guy with the moooooollllee. Moley moley mole! It would be distracting, if her reminiscant-of-fingers-down-the-blackboard voice wasn't already enough!

The Day After tomorrow.

2004-11-06T23:25:00.000+10:30

There is this little art-house flick you might have noticed has just been released on DVD, called The Day After Tomorrow. Riiiiight. I missed it at the cinema, so I grabbed it the other day for a look at what all the fuss is about.

What a monumental dud of a film. I have seen less predictable clocks that this great steaming pile of elephant turd. Seriously.

This film is a megabuck disaster flick from the director who bought us Independence Day. Frankly, I should have known better, but I popped the DVD in and hoped for the best, but I guess I got what was promised on the cover - a disaster.

Sadly, this baby has holes in the plot bigger than the one in the ozone layer. Furthermore, the plot bearing these holes is so full of convenient plot devices that it makes you want to weep. They were so struggling for story that they had to sail a big boat up the flooded streets of New York and let some wolves out of the zoo so they could have some cheap Jurassic Park rip off scene with some of the protagonists leaning against a door with rampant dogs on the other side.

Sure the special effects are good. Big Deal. This is 2004 - good special effects are expected these days. As are good scripting and good acting, of which this film has neither. The film has a uninteresting, dumbed down science fiction plot full of one dimensional characters, so no matter how pretty the bastard looks, it is still shit in my book.

I have seen critics defending this film calling it a homage to cheesy 70's disaster movies. Piss off! Homage my arse, this film is a cheesy 70's disaster film, just with CGI and better haircuts. If it is a homage, the question you've got to ask yourself is why? As if films like "The Towering Inferno" weren't crap enough, without some dick paying tribute to them.

Avoid this one like CFC propelled Mortein - 0.5 out of 5 stars.

Telstra and the worlds most useless logistics company.

2004-10-25T20:07:00.000+09:30

Hi there, welcome to jamesandkaren.id.au's evil twin - Waxing Cynical.

If I think there is something wrong with the world, then rather than do something about it, I am going to do what a growing number of jaded 30 somethings are doing, and complain about it on the internet.

Lets get something straight from the outset, nothing I say on here is going to be fair or impartial. Don't expect balanced analysis. It's all going to have my cranky spin, but it should be a bit of fun so here we go.

Right.

Bloody Telstra. I wonder how many blogs have been typed complaining about Australias monopolistic telecommunications monolith (say that three times fast after a few beers!) A whole shit load I'll warrant. As a matter of a fact, a quick google search on "Bloody telstra" yields 16,800 results. Well make this 16,801!

I got home from my recent round the world trip, and was keen to finish off my travel blog and get this one underway. Alas when I got home, I found out that my modem had given up the ghost. As much as I'd like to start blaming Telstra now, I can't, its just one of those things that happens. So I set about rectifying my connection with the outside world, and I figured the best way to do this was with a broadband connection.

So after some quick research, I signed up for an account with internode, with I have to say some anticipation at the prospect of high speed net access at home. The process with 'node was great, they kept me informed by sms about each stage of the set up process, letting me know that my number was eligible and the local exchange was DSL compatible and the like. It was all going smoothly until the point of actually plugging me in at the Aldinga exchange (something Bloody Telstra has to do) when I got the following message

"There are no CMUX ports left in the DSLAM, your connection will be held for a few weeks"

Yikes! A few weeks! What the cryptic message above roughly translates to is that there is no plugs left at the exchange for broadband, you have to wait until we get around to installing some more. Maybe its just me, but you'd think if you were running a multi billion dollar telecommunications company, and you saw that a piece of equiptment was reaching its capacity, you'd do something about it before it actually reached capacity. Especially if it was a revenue generating piece of gadgetry.

On the bright side, only four weeks have passed (which I guess is a few) and now they tell me I will be plugged in within 7 days. We live in hope....

Now lets talk freight forwarding. I am currently working in Moomba (a gas plant in the north east of South Australia, for those who don't read my other blog) and am doing a job that required some very expensive freight to be sent from overseas. The company overseas who sent this particular freight used a freight forwarding company to expidite this particular crate through Aussie customs and get it to me up here.

The company is Shenker. Check thier website, they look very professional and sound like they know what they are doing, don't they. I guess you probably have worked out by now I am not talking about them on here so I can relay amusing anecdotes about how good they are.

Here's the story. My crate arrives at Shenkers warehouse or whatever they have and my instructions to them were to put it on Australian Air Express and send it up here. No problems they say. A little while later I get a call back from them, saying that the crate was actually too heavy to get on the plane, and asking if it was OK to open the box and split the contents. I told them the package was urgent and had nothing top secret, so that was fine. I should say, up until this point, they seemed very helpful.

When I go to meet the plane to get the packages at this end, only one is here. Shit. I make a quick call to Australian Air Express demanding to know what has become of the other package. The girl on the phone nonchalantly informs me that she only has record of one, and that was sent so there was nothing further that she could do.

So I put a call into our friends at Shenkers. I speak to a guy who calls himself the "Logistics Manager". Just remember that, this man claimed to be the Logistics Manager of a company whose website claims that they are "one of the leading international providers of integrated logistics services".

When I ask him about the second package and told him about AAE's claims of its non existence, he assured me that he took the both packages to them personally. No worries, I asked the following question

"How did you label the second box"

To which he answered

"Oh, I didn't put a label on the second box"

Hello Australia. You are the Logistics Manager of a Logistics company and the possibility of those two boxes being separated leaving the one with no label to get lost didn't enter your mind?

Fuck me rigid. So I've got $5000 worth of equiptment in a box somewhere between Adelaide and Moomba with no label on it. You fucking nimrod! (I wish I had the guts to say that on the phone!)

As it turns out, the description of the box he gave me allowed me to eventually locate the mystery box in the "unidentified articles" section of the Santos store. All's well that ends well. Sometimes you can be fortunate that luck often cancels out incompetence.